The last four weeks
By Future PoetMental Health
The last four weeks
December 2021 did not end in the way I had intended. My end of year routine, which would usually consist of setting my self-care intentions and personal goals for the new year, shredding, and organising household paperwork etc. did not happen. Unexpected health problems threw my personal and business plans into disarray.
A week before Christmas I had an appointment booked for a very much needed root canal treatment. I woke up that morning with an extreme pain running across my right eye. I could barely open or move it, water was running from it and the sensitivity to light was unreal. I had never experienced anything like it. I used dry eye relief methods, such as putting a hot flannel across my eye and massaging the tear duct to release any built-up tears. I took ibuprofen for the pain and then attended my root canal appointment with my eye red raw as there was no way I was cancelling it, the tooth pain had to go. I concluded the eye issue was a severe case of dry eye and noted that I needed to call my GP to have a referral made to the eye clinic.
Having never had a root canal it was just as uncomfortable and painful as I thought it would be. It was the second injection in the roof of my mouth that almost took me out of the chair. So not nice but for all of the five seconds it takes its obviously so needed to numb the area. Additional to the drilling and prodding in my tooth was the trickling sensation of water running from my right eye down the side of my face. It was a very uncomfortable appointment, but I made it through.
Life moves on, and then two days before Christmas I break my little toe on my front room door in a funny altercation with my daughter. The pain was excruciating, and I knew I had done something more serious to it than just stub it. Hours later my foot was bruised and swollen so I rang 111 and they advised me to go to A&E first thing in the morning for an x-ray. Christmas Eve, I have my x-ray and it’s confirmed that the toe is broken, and I am sent home on crutches! “Oh happy days” I thought just what I needed! Little did I know there was more to come.
The Left Side
Christmas day arrives and I wake up with an extreme pain across my left eye. The same problem I had with my right eye the week before was happening to my left. In pain, I sat on the edge of my bed and considered all the facts. I am the cook and the host because Christmas is being held at my new house. I have a broken little toe, that is bruised, and swelling down the side of my right foot. I cannot eat properly on the right side of my mouth because of the temporary filling. And now I can’t see for shit out of my left eye. My first thought “Are you f***ing serious right now?”
Mothers do as mothers do, and I turned on the auto pilot switch. I got up tried the same process I used a week earlier with my right eye and hoped for the best. It didn’t really work and I spent the morning with the lights on and off. Just couldn’t work out what was best. The pain was ridiculous every time I looked at light or looked left or right. But I had to carry on with my day regardless.
For Christmas breakfast I cooked Caribbean style red herring, festival, ackee, callaloo and saltfish. When my sister arrived later that morning she helped me to make the rum cake, which was put in the oven to bake, while the rest of dinner was prepared for roasting, steaming or boiling.
I struggled to see most of the day and at one point had to go outside and look directly at the sky letting my eye stream through the pain. I don’t know why, but that helped alleviate the pain and allowed me to finally open my eye properly. So despite the severe sensitivity to light it seemed bearing through the pain of staring at natural light, and letting the eye water did the trick to keep it open. I made a note of this technique for future reference.
For dinner we had turkey, roast beef, rice and peas, lobster and sea food mix, roast potatoes, stuffing, macaroni cheese, provisions and other vegetables. I had made sorrel with Wray and Nephew white rum from the night before and that helped to keep me merry throughout the day.
Oh I failed to mention, the same evening I broke my toe I had already started box braids on my daughter’s almost waist length hair. Unfortunately for her, she spent Christmas Day with her hair half done. There was no way I could continue to leave her like that, and I eventually completed them over Boxing Day. (Hairdressers please note: It was my first-time doing box braids; I was in pain; I was tired; she was tired; I know it does not take four days; please don’t judge me.)
On Monday evening I sat down and turned off the mental auto pilot switch and allowed the reality of the pain my body was in to take hold of me. I was drained mentally and physically. Every part of me ached.
Throughout the final week of December 2021 there was no energy or mental capacity to be setting self-care intentions and personal goals. I was in my feelings. I was also busy making adjustments to my daily routine because of my toe, booking and chasing medical appointments and having my further treatment to repair my tooth.
Emotionally I felt wounded. Added to this was the mental chaos of not being able to run my business effectively. My mind was going through unrest and creeping feelings of failure as a business owner were arising. Amidst all of this, I was silently grieving the loss of my Dad’s sister, who passed on 19th September 2021, and my Mum’s aunt who had just passed on 22 December 2021.
The Final Straw
As someone with a long-term health condition, Multiple Sclerosis (MS), which comes with its own multitude of symptoms, whenever something new happens to me medically, it’s not just a physical setback but it is a mental one too. With everything that was going on my stress levels were high and I became fearful of this stress causing my MS symptoms to flare up. I was already dealing with enough.
On 30th December I was finally through to the GP to get a referral for my eyes and was told I would get a call back. Whilst I was in the Uber, on the way to the dentist, to get the temporary filling repaired because piece of it had fallen out, the doctor calls, sounding very concerned. She wants me to go to eye casualty immediately. From what I had told her regarding my eyes, she identified I possibly had one of three problems that could cause permanent sight loss, if not treated immediately. My plate was full. I fought back the tears, got my tooth fixed, and hobbled straight to A&E which was close by. (My intention when leaving the house was to take an Uber from home to the dentist and back, so I did not have crutches with me. Walking anywhere was the last thing I wanted to do. But I had to.)
I sat in Eye Casualty with my foot throbbing and a range of all the worst-case scenarios and questions running through my head. How serious is this? What happens if I lose my sight? How quickly will it happen? What about my children? What will happen with my business? The questions mounted, and my already watery eyes welled with tears too.
The wait was going to be long, so I hobbled up to the fracture clinic in hope of bringing my appointment forward from tomorrow, New Years Eve, to right now since I was already there. I was in luck and they could. I left the hospital that day with 2 crutches, a modified shoe, eye drops and a promise of an appointment with the ophthalmologist coming in the post. As I waited for my Uber I broke down in tears.
Process of recovery
For a number of days, I had old emotions returning, such as feeling betrayed by my body and losing trust in it. There was again no reliance on it to get me through a day, regardless of what I had planned. A weighted feeling of hopelessness just sat unwanted on my shoulders. I felt wounded and broken.
Since being diagnosed with MS, over the years I have had to find ways to deal with the mental and emotional impact of physical setbacks and living in pain day to day. These are some of methods that I have been using recently:
- I pleased my inner child with Disney Movies and tamed my rebellious inner teenager with 90’s sitcoms and movies such as Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Boyz in the Hood
- I soothed my insecure inner 20 something-year-old-self by writing down my thoughts and listening to music. (I had Adele’s album, 30, on repeat to be honest)
- I reflected with my inner broken 30 something-year-old-self and implemented some of the tools I had learnt from years of various talking therapies
I reminded myself of all the things I love and how much of a creative person I am and began trying out new recipes. Inspired by my daughter, who has been teaching herself Korean for almost a year, within the last few days I started learning French, which I have not done since secondary school.
The last four weeks have been painful, emotional, scary, and frustrating and that is just with my mind and body. I now have to face the opportunities my business missed over the Christmas period and create new plans in place of those that were not executed. I have to pick up where I left off, motivate myself and not feel guilty about what I cannot control. Best foot forward and brave face on! It could all be so much worse.
So today, 14th January 2022, as I wait for my toe to heel, my last root canal appointment to come and first ophthalmology appointment, I sit with the gratitude of all the things my body is able to do. I intend to make use of the time and the abilities that I do have and continue to strive for my dreams in helping people to be inspired, empowered and uplifted.
This year I plan to share more of who I am, starting with this blog post. Show and tell the behind the scenes of living with MS, being a single parent, a part-time university student and a small business owner with big dreams.
Thank you for reading, and I welcome you to share in the comments below how you deal with setbacks in your life because you never know who you could help.
Related Posts
Comments (6)
Charlene Jan 14 2022 - 10:10 pm
Sometimes you really have to wonder how much one person can go through! Life certainly isn’t always easy, I pray your appointment comes through soon and all is well and that your tooth is sorted once and for all.
The strength of a Mother no other can test!
I personally when I feel a low mood coming on or too many obstacles thrown my way I would do some journaling, allow my emotions to flow, walk (love nature) I also tend to distance myself, my real friends notice but leave me to it as they know I will bounce back, just sometimes need to do me to get through.
Future Poet Jan 15 2022 - 10:37 am
Thank you for your prayers and for sharing your tips. Journalling, walking and alone time are great ways to rebalance your mood and allow emotions to flow.
Michelle Guthrie Jan 19 2022 - 11:36 am
For sure! Having people around who understand you and embrace your being, recognising when you need to step back are vital to the process. They’ll know when to stop back into your life checking in on a timely basis.
Recognising your need for momentary disconnect to process and eliminate helps the soul.
Ika Jan 15 2022 - 4:45 am
When life gives you lemons 🍋 God helps you make lemonade. You are such a warrior and an inspiration to women going through things everywhere. Your spirit is beautiful and fights to be unbreakable. I’m praying for you 🙏🏾 I’m sending love and light through my thoughts and prayers. May God guide you through these tough times and bring you out the other side with health and strength. 💞 You’ve got this, because good hearts are God blessed and you my love are a good hearted woman.♥️
Future Poet Jan 15 2022 - 10:39 am
Thank you for your kind words of strength and faith. They are very much received and appreciated.
Michelle Guthrie Jan 19 2022 - 11:36 am
For sure! Having people around who understand you and embrace your being, recognising when you need to step back are vital to the process. They’ll know when to stop back into your life checking in on a timely basis.
Recognising your need for momentary disconnect to process and eliminate helps the soul.